I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
