just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize