I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
