Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
