If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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