Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
