very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
