you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
