The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
