I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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