Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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