A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
