Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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