you turned your livingroom into a bong?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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