i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
