Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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