My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize