a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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