I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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