apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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