Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
