She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
