I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
