He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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