birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
