if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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