I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize