I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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