I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
