My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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