fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
