I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
