All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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