I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
someone get that fucking seahorse.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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