Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
