The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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