New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
