I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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