As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
