If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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