Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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