Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
