you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
