i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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