Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
