He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
