remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
