Whatcha textin bout Willis?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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