There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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