I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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