I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
