dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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