you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
