today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
