Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
