you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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