he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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