Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
