I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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