im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
