Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
