After last night, I could never be a politician.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
